In my last blog post, I highlighted potential ways to kill a gay friendship. The post received a lot of views, and it made me realize that gay men care to read about saving their platonic relationships just as much as they do tips for their sex lives. I wanted to do a second part that focuses more on thirstiness.
For those of you who live under a rock and don’t know what the term “thirsty” means, here’s the basic definition, courtesy of urbandictionary.com.
We all have friends or know someone who is thirsty, and they’re never fun to be around. The most recent experience I’ve had with this was when I went to a gay club in Jersey with three other friends who all live together. Two of them have a weird relationship, in which they’re not dating but get very jealous when the other makes a pass at someone or brings a hook up over.
* Don’t room with another gay man who you’re sexually attracted to and then complain when shit hits the fan. *
They also sleep with one another and occasionally have threesomes. That’s all fine and it’s none of my business what transpires under their roof. What was my business at the time was being left in the empty parking lot of the club while the two of them disappeared with some random dudes they had just met an hour before by the bar. The third roomie and I waited patiently by the car while the other two were off getting some.
Not only was this a selfish move on their part, but it also made me realize how thirsty they can be. No phone call. No text. Just hop in a stranger’s car and take off to leave your friends confused and alone. That’s not okay in any situation. Dick and ass can wait, and if it can’t, then you have bigger issues, dude.
Rule #1: Don’t put hoes before bros (Straight people said it best).
I’m going to use the same two for another example. The third roomie, who’s pretty drama free, quiet, and reserved, invited a good friend of his from out of state. Not even 24 hours go by and the two are trying to smash his friend (who was not interested, by the way). Not only that, but one of them tried to crawl into bed with this out of state visitor while the dude was passed out drunk! Okay, that’s not as much thirstiness as it is griminess, but you catch where I’m going with this.
Rule #2: Stop trying to sleep with every gay man you meet.
The keyword here is “trying.” If someone is clearly not reciprocating, then you need to tell your little member to simmer down and leave the kid alone. He could be a great friend! Then you can take it from there. Don’t treat other gay men like sexual objects because you’re horny and he’s cute and he’s right there. Get your mind out of the gutter, dude! The third roomie also expressed to me that he doesn’t even feel comfortable inviting his friends over because the other two are going to sexually harass them. That was very telling for me, and it shows that this is definitely an issue amongst intimate gay circles of friends.
Then there’s the issue of categorizing gay men into “friends with benefits” groups. There are different types of “FWB’s?” Uh, yeah, we just don’t acknowledge them.
Types of Friends with Benefits:
TYPE A: You guys regularly meet up and fuck. Once the sex is done, you don’t hear from each other until you’re horny again.
TYPE B: You guys regularly meet up and fuck but the two of you can chat, joke around, and text each other about the other’s day.
TYPE C: You guys are friends who have sex but are not interested in dating or being monogamous with one another.
The “issue” arises when you meet another man who’s company you enjoy, but he’s trying to fit you into one of these FWB types instead of just trying to be your bro. He’s sexually attracted to you, and he wants to have a sexual relationship that’s comfortable… but you just want to be friends. Maybe you’re seeing someone he doesn’t know about. Maybe you’re just not interested in sex or dating. Maybe you just want to expand your gay circle and have gays in your life who you can hang out with outside of the bedroom.
Don’t let miscommunication ruin things! Tell him upfront what your expectations are so he doesn’t assume you’ll be into 20-minute sex sessions when he’s bored and lonely.
Rule #3: If he’s using you for sex, ditch him.
I have a friend who does this to me all the time. Trips to Asbury Park… I don’t hear about them. Club nights in New York City… I’m never invited. But when my phone does give me a text message alert from him, it’s always to come over during “booty call” hours (12 AM – 3 AM) to “cuddle” which will most definitely lead to much more. Everyone’s left satisfied except me. Don’t be that person. If you know someone wants more gay friends and you have a big enough circle, invite him out with the gang! Make him feel included. Otherwise, stop wasting his time. Hit up someone else on Grindr, because he’s not into it.
I’m not telling anyone how to live their lives, especially other gay men who’ve already been imbued with heteronormative rules on how to love. With all of my posts, I simply give a few of those out there in my similar situation some advice on how to have beneficial, healthy relationships. We deal with enough drama within the community, and sometimes it’s good to get a second opinion. Don’t ever settle or feel alone if it takes you a little bit longer than other gay men to form a great circle of friends. But also be wary because there are gays out there who will put sex before friendship, and if that’s not the route you’re looking to traverse, then don’t.
What I’m not saying in this post by any means is…
- If you’re single and enjoy having sex with multiple different partners, there’s something wrong with you.
- If you find another gay man attractive and express interest, there’s something wrong with you.
- If you go out to a club and want to meet cute guys, there’s something wrong with you.
- If you’re flirtatious, there’s something wrong with you.
And if any of those points are all you took from reading this post… then I can’t help ya!
Happy 4th of July weekend, babes!